Friday, July 09, 2010

You Are Going to Die

“You are going to die,” boomed the great, deep, bass voice from the pulpit into my eight-year-old ears. Apparently, it made quite an impression, because over fifty years later, I still can hear it. Although I must have been aware of some version of the truth of the statement, it’s my first memory of being informed of this eventuality. And, in fairness, all evidence that I have gathered since then, both anecdotal and historical, points to the validity of the statement. I’m going to die ---- probably.

Books, television and films are full of people dying. You seemingly cannot have a mystery or a crime show without someone moving in that direction. So why then, when you read the obituaries, do so few reportedly die?
I’m a devoted reader of the obituaries, primarily for two reasons. One:  it’s important to know when to sit down and be quiet. Thus, I need to scan for my name so that I know early in the day if I am dead. I would feel like such a fool if I were too oblivious to notice that I was dead until after I had worked all day. What a waste! Best to check the obits early so that I can act appropriately. And two; if I am not named, but still am among the upright, I read on because I then have another opportunity to marvel at other peoples’ fascinating stories. What folks have done with their time is of interest to me. Most of them seem to have done everything but die.

Having amassed years of reading of obituary notices, I have observed that fewer and fewer folks just die. Instead, the more passive ones have been called home, or been taken away from us, while the more active ones have passed on, gone to the Lord, crossed over, joined a husband or wife, left us suddenly, moved farther North to live with the heavenly father, or, in one botanical case, budded on earth then blossomed in heaven.

This is not just a Midwestern phenomenon and I am not the only person to note it. In California, Bill Gaylord spent few months keeping count of the expressions used in the Sacramento Bee. He collected over 150 euphemisms, and fewer than 10 people simply died. (Or, in that Southern way, “upped and died.”) The newspaper representatives there stated that they favored the phrase “passed away” when the writing was left to them. Families, however, we see wax more poetic.

My friend, Mary, has a perfect illustration of the never-say-die mindset. In going through some of her records, she came upon an envelope of instructions for her family of what steps to take after her demise. She had labeled the envelope, “In case I die.” Booming voice from the pulpit rattling around in our heads or not, we just have trouble taking this big, “NO!” as the answer. We are in denial and obituary wording is just one symptom of the malady.

Bea Toney Bailey, who has a cable program dealing with bereavement issues, says, “We’re a very young culture and we’re very youth-oriented. Death makes us uncomfortable. If we talk about death, we might die.” So we do ourselves a disservice and decorate the occasion with euphemisms.

That cheery, Milford, Michigan poet/ author /undertaker, Thomas Lynch, wrote a moving and thought-provoking article, published last spring, in which he decries our removal of ourselves from the realities of death.  “Emotively neutral and religiously ambiguous” where “the dead have been made more or less to disappear,” is his description. “We learn to deal with death by dealing with our dead; to process mortality by processing mortals from one station to the next in the journey of grief,” he says. That probably cannot happen if we avoid the reality of “You are going to die,” by not even uttering the word.

Broadcast by Jeanette Saddler Taylor on July 09, 2010 • WVPE's Audio Archive
Customs & Rituals • Permalink • Printer Friendly
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