Friday, June 18, 2004

Going to Hooters

It’s a tough job but someone has to do it. I’m not speaking of putting out fires in oil wells, figuring out what to do about the whole time zone thing, or coaching my beloved New York Knicks...oh no, I’m talking about going to Hooters, the family friendly restaurant in Mishawaka. For sheer sociological--or is it anthropological?--reasons, I went to Hooters the other day and I dragged along some friends. Here’s my report:

--getting there is easy.

--the drinks are cold.

--the food is middling...at best.

--the service is great. I will discuss the attire of our waitress a bit later.

What struck me upon entering the place was that it was colder than I thought warranted. I then noticed, somewhat by chance, that the many, many Hooterettes who fill this establishment were not dressed appropriately for this cool climate. This forced them to run around in a vain attempt to keep warm. My hunch is that this was just an honest error by management.

More typical of national chains, the place has an aesthetic of manufactured happiness. That is, it’s designed to make you say, “oh what the hell, I’m having a good time, I’ll have another Bud.” Applebees is a bit better at serving up happiness, assuming you like yours manufactured. Also, Hooters is pretty loud, with music that is an insufferable mix of oldies and classic rock. If I go to my grave never having to hear The Guess Who or the Doors ever, ever again, I will die a happy man. The music, though, is second to the visuals, of which there are a quite a few to engage with. No, not that kind of visuals, you dirty mind you. I’m speaking of the 19 TVs I counted in the place...and I may have missed one or two. There’s also one in the men’s bathroom, which is quite considerate.

Sadly, the food was pretty mediocre. The fries were a particular disappointment. As a french fry afficionado I was left wanting a higher quality spud. In fairness, one of my partners in crime had the chicken salad and she said it wasn’t that bad. Now if you want a really good burger and fries, then head for the Red Arrow Roadhouse on Lake Michigan. I just love the place, and the Bell’s beer they have on tap only brings more joy to the whole dining experience.

The staff were to a tee very friendly, always aiming to please. Their sprightly t-shirts and short-shorts made each and every Hooterette, well, cute as a button. Clearly, they wanted to have some fun too. I saw many of them in deep conversation with clientele at other tables. The fact that this also involved a fair amount of bending over when talking or serving the food, led me to worry about their future back problems. The women in our group noticed this behavior too, and argued that much more of this took place when a table was filled with just men. I will have to investigate this theory at another time.

If you go to the Hooters web page you can read a Fortune magazine article detailing the phenomenal growth of this chain restaurant. But the only two things I saw that would explain their success were this deep commitment to fraternizing with the customers and selling Hooters’ merchandise at the end of the meal. My hunch is that both of these were management decisions as well.

All of this begs a larger question: why Hooters? I think I know why, and it has to do with the cold war. After years of study, I have come to the conclusion that the commies couldn’t give their citizens what they wanted, be it Hollywood films, breakfast cereals, or washing machines, and thus they were swept away by our popular culture and freedoms into the ash heap of history. And Hooters delivers what we Americans like. Foreigners too, given that Hooters is opening up restaurants from Austria to Venezuela. Besides, who would want to eat at a place that is commie inspired--though I’m not sure what kind of place that would be. I also take comfort in knowing that Osama bin Laden would just hate Hooters. So keep up the good work, Hooters. Oh, one suggestion: how about napkins instead of paper towels at the tables? While I realize that this is merely in keeping with your motto, “delightfully tacky, yet unrefined,” we freedom lovers and haters of evil prefer them.

Broadcast by Jonathan Nashel on June 18, 2004
Commerce • Community • Permalink • Printer Friendly
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