Friday, November 17, 2006
Living by Mail Order
I have a life, of course. What had been missing, I realized, was a lifestyle. Luckily, several very good ones are available by mail order. So now nearly everything I own comes from the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog. In the morning I lift my head from a Breathable Antimicrobial Pillow. I pull on a Genuine Turkish Bathrobe, which is 60% heavier than other robes, and slide into Scandinavian Moose Hide Moccasins made of creamy soft leather that conforms to the foot. I lift my wedding ring from a Tarnish-Preventing Jewelry Box, where a carbon and velvet lining has absorbed any passing hydrogen sulfide, leaving my ring the same unblemished symbol of love it was the day I recited wedding vows those many years ago. I select the Commemorative “G.I.” Watch from my twelve-watch capacity Watch Vault; I trot down the hallway thinking about breakfast.
In the kitchen I drop the tip of the Portable 48-Second Water Purifier into a tumbler of water, and its ultraviolet rays banish microbes from the sparkling fluid. This bracing glass of water is so good that I can skip the rest of breakfast. My catalog company doesn’t yet offer a full line of clothes, but I dress anyway, gratified that my ensemble can include a Classic Leather Jean Jacket and a pair of Genuine Bison Driving Moccasins. As I back the car down the driveway, I am comforted to see the Faux Security Camera Set blinking away on the side of the house, fooling any passing burglar into thinking an actual security station is watching. The sweeping brim of my Christy’s of London Foldaway Fedora protects my eyes from the sun during that tough Michiana commute. A hat like that puts the style into life.
Work, of course, goes splendidly, no small thanks to the Better Pen – and in spite of its sadly understated name. The angled metal barrel and configurable grip provide me with maximum comfort without compromising a full view of my writing. My eyes, too, are pampered by a New York Public Library Reading Lamp. I hardly feel like I’ve labored when five o’clock rolls around and I head back home.
In the evening, I help the children with their geography homework – down in the rathskeller we find Darfur on The World’s Largest Write-On Map Mural. Outside in the cool autumn air I point out constellations for the little tykes with a Five-Mile Laser Pointer, the only handheld laser that produces the maximum legally-allowed power for civil use in this great country of ours.
After sending the kiddies to bed and singing them a lullaby over the Best Wireless Home Intercom System, I finally have a few moments to myself. I glance over at the World’s Smallest Indoor Remote Control Helicopter, but really, I’m all tuckered out. Upstairs, I grab my toothbrush from the Million-Germ-Eliminating Toothbrush Sanitizer. I brush vigorously and change for the night. I slide between the Year-Round Breathable Fleece Sheets, pull up the Smart Thermocule Fabric Blanket, and switch off the light. The minute my head hits that Antimicrobial Pillow, with its many lifestyle-enhancing features, I’m fast asleep.