Friday, July 04, 2008
Google’s Tips for Getting Ahead
Just the other day, I had a fleeting desire for self-improvement. Before the mood passed, I turned to Google for some advice. Now Google doesn’t burden a fellow by demanding complete sentences, the way some people do, so I typed in “how to get ahead.” I wanted to complete the phrase: how to get ahead by doing what? Reviewing the massive search results, I found that this is a land of dreamers; we are a people of contradictory impulses and destructive longings. Even Google is having trouble sorting this country out.
Many Americans have web sites about getting ahead. Google found techies who want me to use the latest computer tracking systems or to zap my feet with levitation rays. There were capitalists in favor of putting today’s decisions into the context of long-term aspirations or innovating rather than suing the competition. Some capitalists have more specific tips about trading Philippine real estate or sending bulk commercial e-mail, which, last I heard, is called spam.
Certain little criminals say to get ahead by cutting corners and telling the occasional white lie, or if necessary, lying, cheating, and backstabbing. Bigger criminals go for busting heads, breaking fingers, and dressing neatly. If that doesn’t work, try killing, or brokering a sensitive drug deal with a mysterious crime lord known as Mr. Gold.
Google found shameless operators who want me to marry above my station, mistreat customers, undercut the boss, or slurp off the taxpayer-provided infrastructure. Some bozos focus on getting ahead by looking like you deserve it or on using body language to enhance your power of benevolent manipulation. Some of our fellow countrymen like sticking it to The Man: stepping on people, psyching out your boss and co-workers, or, if nothing else will do, getting into someone else’s head, making highly placed people feel good about having you around, and controlling people’s thoughts in day to day conversations. Also, be sure to take advantage of passing management fads and do as little work as possible, if you’d like to get ahead, that is.
The poor folks who’ve been wounded by life also have advice. Get ahead by proving you can handle the grunt work without complaining, they say, or by being the good little slave, or by really trying. Some people feel that watching reality tv, being naturally good and cute, reading the newspaper, cross-dressing, going out of business, or manipulating someone into loving you emotionally and fiscally might make all the difference.
Milder, gentler citizens teach that self-improvement comes from making small adjustments to one’s life. Their web sites propose honest work, making the right decisions, applying lessons, trusting one’s heart, and staying the course, bless their souls. One web site recommended doing some reading about how to get ahead.
As you can see, America, you are ever hopeful and always longing for self-improvement; you are a people with a dream. Americans have the most contradictory values, when they deserve to be called values, and a good number of us don’t have the slightest idea what really matters in life. Google pretty much proves it. I hate to say this on your birthday, America, but you’re a mess. You need to find some way to improve yourself.
Community • Customs & Rituals • Work • Permalink • Printer Friendly
A random selection from more than 300 Michiana Chronicles -- refresh the browser to see another set:
Joe Chaney -- More essays by Joe
Louise Collins -- More essays by Louise
April Lidinsky -- More essays by April
Jonathan Nashel -- More essays by Jonathan
Jeff Nixa -- More essays by Jeff
Ken Smith -- Google’s Tips for Getting Ahead / More essays by Ken
Jeanette Saddler Taylor -- More essays by Jeanette
Chronicles Home | Email:
Leave a note for any of the authors at our WebNote page, or maybe you'd like a copy of our book?
About the series
Michiana Chronicles is a series of radio essays by Jonathan Nashel, Louise Collins, Joe Chaney, Jeanette Saddler Taylor, Jeff Nixa, April Lidinsky, and Ken Smith.
Michiana is the region of north-central Indiana and southern Michigan roughly centered on South Bend, Indiana.
Michiana Chronicles airs on Fridays at 7:35 a.m. and 12:30 p.m. on WVPE (88.1 FM), the home of public radio in Elkhart / South Bend, Indiana.
| October 2008 | ||||||
| S | M | T | W | T | F | S |
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | |||
| 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |
| 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |
| 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 |
| 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | |
Recent pieces
Bikes & Cars in Michiana (Listen) -- So the next time you’re standing at the gas pump worried about the future, notice that cyclist spinning by. She’s a thing of beauty: resilient, adaptable, self-sufficient, and courageous. Part of the next generation of real American freedom and independence. More importantly, she knows a secret that many Americans have forgotten lately: that it’s possible to be surrounded by danger and threats at every turn, working and breathing hard…and still be happy. By Jeff Nixa.
Being Shallow (Listen) -- “What are you going to wear?” said by a companion before sallying forth on a joint excursion is a bonding experience. Those of us who don’t need our mommies to buy Garanimals® for us sometimes care about putting together an ensemble. We follow Balzac’s dictum, “Carelessness in dressing is moral suicide.” Think of it in the oxymoronic term of making contemporary art history. It might be shallow, but it frees our hands from holding the hurts. And, if your hands are free, you can use them to accessorize! By Jeanette Saddler Taylor.
The Nursing Home -- At the nursing home I met a ninety-six-year-old woman who is still sharp-witted but more or less bound to a wheelchair. Like so many others who live at the facility, she propels herself with her legs, taking little steps and rolling along that way, steering with her hands. I met her by the entrance to the dining room. She was waiting for dinner. “All it is around here is wait,” she said, smiling wanly. “Wait for this, and wait for that. I’m getting tired of waiting.” She could be my guide to the underworld. By Joe Chaney.
Eat it Over the Sink -- Thank goodness – it’s finally juicy-luscious harvest time, when, without apology, even grownups can get down and get messy. Whether you’ve got a sunset-colored peach exploding nectar down your chin, or thick slices of a homegrown tomato spurting slippery seeds out the sides of your BLT, now is the time for my favorite piece of wisdom: “If it’s messy, eat it over the sink.” By April Lidinsky.
Looking at Dinosaurs -- Everyone loves dinosaurs. You show me a four year old, a middle-aged crank, and even an old fogey and the one thing they have in common is a love of dinosaurs. Now, why? As explanations go, the best I've heard is that dinosaurs are big, scary, and dead. The dinosaurs at the Field Museum in Chicago are particularly astonishing, and I've happily given in to my little boy's endless fascination with these beasts. We've gone many times this summer to look at Sue, the T-Rex that greets you at the door, and her many cousins. One of the things I find most endearing about the Field Museum is its absolute, take-no-prisoners approach to the subject of evolution. By Jonathan Nashel.
A Tourist’s View of History -- Even though we vow not to treat the city as a mere checklist of landmarks, we ride the elevator to the top of the Washington monument, gush at the Hope diamond, and nod appreciatively at how little wiggle room John Glenn had in his Mercury 7 space capsule. Sure, we're passing Tourism 102: Monuments and Museums but only with a grade of B. We lost points for running the kids ragged in the Washington heat. By Ken Smith.
Ice Cream Man -- “He liked driving the truck,” she said. “He drove a semi?” I asked. “No, an ice cream truck,” she said. “Tasty Cream. You know, those old US mail vans painted yellow and white with a cooler inside?” TQ nodded, “Yeah, he was good at it. He drove real careful, and he’d always take us other drivers out for beers. Spend a whole day’s pay on the guys.” “That was a waste,” said Kim. “Was not,” said TQ. By Jeff Nixa.
Getting Together -- I read somewhere that the 4th of July holiday is the most relaxed holiday of the year for folks: none of the stresses of Christmas or New Year or Thanksgiving. It’s summertime, and not only is the livin’ easy, but it’s also a time for celebration of family through the age-old institution of the family reunion. Mine is no different; we had a “cousins-gathering” one summer Saturday at the farm where my mother was reared. It’s near Lebanon, Kentucky, and my older sister, the knower of these things, tells me that it has been in our Mother’s family for about 175 years. By Jeanette Saddler Taylor.
Girl Power -- I noticed the other day that my friend has a bumper sticker on her bike that says, “Girls Kick Butt.” (The word isn’t actually “butt” but a more colorful term that rhymes with “grass.” If you know that, you’ll understand better the force of the slogan.) The phrase “Girls Kick [You-Know]” is unexpected, because girls, conventionally speaking, aren’t supposed to want violence. Of course, the phrase also simply means, “girls are great, girls are cool.” But it’s impossible not to hear also the assertion that girls are powerful, they enjoy their power, they take charge, they win. Win what? Against whom? Or does it matter? By Joe Chaney.
Waiting for a Superhero -- I can report that seeing the Catwoman suit that Michelle Pfeiffer wore in the Batman movie is proof, if any was needed, that the U.S. is and will always be the greatest country in the world. How she got into that suit, how she managed to act in that suit, and how Batman was able to concentrate on anything other than that suit....now, these are mysteries for the ages and ones that haters of freedom will never be able to defeat. Take that, Osama! By Jonathan Nashel.
Another Summer of Love? -- Anyone who's been in – or even near – a marriage knows they are far less about romance than the practical work of partnering – dividing chores, sharing burdens and finances and joys, dealing intimately with illness and dying, and practicing daily empathy, even when you don't feel like it. In other words, marriage is a practice of good citizenship. Just-released research has shown that same-sex partnerships tend to be far better at achieving equitable citizenship in the home – better at fairly dividing the chores – grocery shopping, vacuuming, taking kids to the dentist -- that drive maddening wedges between many heterosexual couples. By April Lidinsky.
Google’s Tips for Getting Ahead -- Just the other day, I had a fleeting desire for self-improvement. Before the mood passed, I turned to Google for some advice. Now Google doesn’t burden a fellow by demanding complete sentences, the way some people do, so I typed in “how to get ahead.” I wanted to complete the phrase: how to get ahead by doing what? Reviewing the massive search results, I found that this is a land of dreamers; we are a people of contradictory impulses and destructive longings. Even Google is having trouble sorting this country out. By Ken Smith.
Categories
Archives and syndication
- By author
- By category
- By date
- RSS 2.0 syndication
- Technorati Profile