Friday, December 21, 2007
Against Retirement
Recently I’ve made the rounds of retirement parties at work and have eaten my share of cake from Martin’s Bakery. I’m fond of all the people who are jumping ship this year, and that’s just another reason why I hate the idea of retirement. Not only am I not eager to retire, but also I don’t want my colleagues to retire, or even to think about it. Certainly I don’t want to hear them talking about it. I actually dread the day when we see them in a light hat and a floral shirt literally running to catch the next flight to St. Augustine or Savannah, laughing the whole length of the hallway to the exit. I just don’t trust that laughter. Retirement is a bad idea – bad for business, and bad for the individual.
The retirees I’ve known did not seem washed up. They were the people who knew how to do things, knew the history of our workplace, understood the logic of its arcane procedures. Sure, their younger replacements tinker more expertly with computer programs, but the “old heads” had the patience to steer a steady course through a committee meeting. Furthermore, I could go to them for advice about my life.
I fantasize about hacking into the computer system to retroactively deny termination orders. It would be like a rescue mission, reinstating their employment, reestablishing them in their old offices. I’d ring up my retired colleagues to tell them. And I know I would detect a tone of relief in their surprised voices when I ordered them to drop the golf clubs or wash the potting soil off their hands and be back in the office Monday at 8:00 a.m. sharp. In the minds of each of these retired Clark Kents and Diana Princes, I hear the voice of Superman and Wonder Woman exclaiming, “They need me!” Then each would rocket into action, maybe shattering a window or busting down a door on the way out.
During the last dozen years, I’ve watched helplessly as one colleague after another retired. I’ll soon be the senior member of my department. There has to be a better way, a system that allows the person to lighten the work load, maybe going to half-days, collecting retirement pay but not letting all of that experience go to waste. We could add a putting green and a grandparent-grandchild ruckus room, or permit alcohol, and spring for the occasional Caribbean cruise. Call it “retiring in place.” Things would be easier for them, but they would still be there at the committee meetings or reviewing our important emails before we hit “send.” They would be around to tell me to hang in there, to keep at it, and to say – is this too much to ask? – to say I did a good job!
I called Jim the other day, my friend and colleague two office doors down, and described my anti-retirement proposal. Jim is scheduled to retire, but I just knew he was going unwillingly. I painted the picture for him, laying out all the advantages of sticking around and being a contributor, and, you know, remaining in his senior position, advising, being wise and even, yes, fatherly. I contrasted these great benefits with the false, shallow promises of retirement. I was on a roll, when suddenly he stopped me to say, “Joe, I want to retire! My wife and I have been planning it for years. Frankly, I can’t wait to get out of this place.”
I know he was joking. Of course, this was just a way to spare my feelings. And I know he knows I will continue to devote my career to putting an end to this retirement craziness, even if I’m the last one standing and clutching the door jambs of my office and crying “No!!”