Friday, February 22, 2008
The Love that Dare Not Speak Its Name
The other day I was taking out the garbage and I noticed the seal of our fine city on the trash can. I looked a bit closer and I noticed that the word “peace” was part of our seal. This is just plain wrong. I mean everyone knows that “peace” is just another commie plot to make us weak against our enemies. With a bit of research I found out that this “peace” sign is an aftermath of the founding of South Bend in 1865, and thus the word “peace” refers to the end of the Civil War. But that’s too much history for my tastes. We need a new seal to show our strength against our new enemies. We need a seal that tells everyone how amazing it is to live here. Enough with all of this endless small talk on the glories of living in a little city in the Midwest. I want to walk into any bar in America and announce: I’m from South Bend, you got a problem with that? As luck would have it I think I’ve finally found what I was looking for, and it was right below me. Namely, we need to christen our city as having the best potholes in America. I defy anyone, anywhere, to find a city with such a stupendous array of potholes. This winter, in particular, they have been almost other-worldly in size, depth, and variety. Who needs to get a telescope and look at moon craters when you can simply walk outside your front door and see one up close and personal?
As I understand it, there are a number of reasons why we have such an embarrassment of riches when it comes to potholes. First, it’s the weather. We live in some kind of a climate zone where we get extremes of hot and cold, and thus we get lots of snow, and ice, and then rain. The constant freezing and melting gets water into the cracks of the pavement, and presto, you’ve got a monster pothole that can turn its deadly charm upon us drivers in a way no WMD could. As explanations go, I guess this makes sense, but I still feel that if we were on Midwest time we wouldn’t have this weather explanation as a sad excuse. But I digress.
Now I know that I’m not alone in my awe of potholes. I heard a story about this German guy who was so taken with our potholes that he took photos of them and sent them back to friends and family in Deutschland to give them an idea of what riches await them in the New World. I guess these poor folks have never seen a pothole on their Autobahn. Yes, they may able to drive their Porsches 200 mph on their pristine highways, but I bet they couldn’t handle the mean streets of Edison or Ireland given the potholes on them. Germans are such wimps.
Anyway, I continued to do some research into why we have such great potholes and then I gave into the darkness. I am here to announce that I love potholes. I love the way they look, the way they entice us, the way they make us drive like crazy drunks in order to avoid them. I love each and every one of them. I love them in a way that I know is just plain wrong, and yet I can’t help myself. We all have needs. We all have desires. And I am here to declare that potholes are the true love that dare not speak its name.
My confession leads me to want others to join me in my quest in getting potholes on our city seal. Come out of the closet, you pothole lovers you! I want you to celebrate this forbidden love and make this a part of who we are. Surely, you too have had your car swallowed by one of these beauties at some point. And when you looked at your bent rims and wrecked tires wouldn’t you prefer that your hatred was tinged with love and awe? I also believe that if we sanctify our potholes, by putting one of them on our city seal, they may even declare a truce with us and our cars. It’s simple: we acknowledge their godly powers, and that we are their humble servants, and they in turn will not hurt us, nay will even protect us from other demonic forces that lurk in Michiana. So listen up, good citizens. Send me some photos of your favorite potholes. I’ll choose the best one and pass it on to the Mayor’s office. I repeat: only when we come to love the potholes in our midst will we have peace and tranquility on this earthly plane.