Friday, August 03, 2007
Voices in Your Head
The idea that only crazy people hear voices is wrong. After we reach a certain age, we all have a voice in our head—and the nature and wisdom of that voice, its cruelty or sense of humor, pretty much determines who we are.
I actually have two voices in my head. For mysterious reasons that I don’t care to investigate, both seem to derive from the BBC, which I listen to late at night while the rest of America sleeps. One is the mellow voice of the anchorman, and the other is the voice of that irritated interviewer hopped up on amphetamines. The first voice can be quite soothing, as it was yesterday morning.
BBC ANCHORMAN: A fine day for a trip to the grocer’s, my American friend. It would certainly please the wife. The dog, too, I’d say.
ME: Good idea. I think I will.
BBC ANCHORMAN: So you shall. Brilliant! And we’re just now coming up upon 2 p.m. Greenwich Mean Time. The top story of the hour: Joe Chaney makes a grocery run in the town of South Bend, USA.
Once I’m in the store, selecting a pasta sauce, the second voice rouses itself.
BBC INTERVIEWER: I see that you fancy a brand of sauce touted by Paul Newman, the American actor. Does Mr. Newman’s brand differ dramatically from the others?
ME: Well, I think it tastes better.
BBC INTERVIEWER: Aren’t you paying an exorbitant price for it? How can you justify that?
ME: It’s organic.
BBC INTERVIEWER: I see. But the pasta you’ve chosen isn’t organic, is it? Does the contradiction disturb you at all? And if organic produce is so important to you, one might ask, why not raise your own tomatoes, along with basil and other herbs, thereby ensuring the purity of your supper? Likewise, you could make your own pasta, surely.
ME: That’s an awful lot of work. I mean, I can afford to pay a little more for organic.
BBC INTERVIEWER: Right, okay. Your critics describe you as a lazy bugger. How do you respond?
On my drive home, the other voice returns.
BBC ANCHORMAN: This road is astonishingly well paved. If you turn right at the next stop but one, we’re sure to have a glorious view of the river. Might as well enjoy it.
I had time for a little walk. Now, I’ve never been one to avoid a challenge; so when I stepped from the car, strolled toward the shore, and found myself on a collision course with a large Canada goose, I didn’t back down. Meanwhile, I couldn’t suppress the voice in my head.
BBC ANCHORMAN: Chaney has the drop on the goose by virtue of his superior stature, but the goose is not backing down but wildly flapping its dusty wings. They’re at daggers drawn. And now suddenly the goose is up on its toes and charging. Chaney is in full retreat.
So I’m pinched and batted without mercy, but my punishment isn’t at an end, because I still had to endure the ride home…and that second voice.
BBC INTERVIEWER: Now that you are safely in your vehicle, Mr. Chaney, could you tell me, what is your account of what transpired this morning beside the river?
ME: I was just strolling along quite innocently when the goose attacked me.
BBC INTERVIEWER: Are you honestly telling me that your view on this is that the goose acted without provocation, because—?
ME: I in no way threatened that goose—
BBC INTERVIEWER: —because people are going to say that you were the aggressor, that this was an incursion on the goose’s sovereign territory. And there were goslings.
ME: There were no goslings.
BBC INTERVIEWER: There were goslings, according to witnesses, and the mother goose was acting to protect them, quite naturally. Isn’t it the case, sir, and isn’t it well known that you don’t love goslings, you don’t like little ducklings or fuzzy kittens—what is your particular beef with young animals, if one may ask? How do you explain your predatory behavior?
ME: Hey, now you’ve gone too far. Your insinuations—
BBC INTERVIEWER: Okay, right, let’s take another tack. What is your approach? I mean, say I’m sitting across from you now. I’m a goose, or a mother panda bear nursing my newborn cub. How do you perform the violent snatch?
ME: I’m sorry. This interview is over.
But the problem for me is that it’s never over. The grilling never ends. Still, only by being challenged in such a forthright way about my every action can I have any hope of living an ethical life, or of hearing that other voice.
BBC ANCHORMAN: This is Philip Baruth for the BBC World Service. The time is 7:40 GMT and this is the news of Joe Chaney on 3 August 2007.
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A random selection from more than 300 Michiana Chronicles -- refresh the browser to see another set:
Joe Chaney -- Voices in Your Head / More essays by Joe
Louise Collins -- More essays by Louise
April Lidinsky -- More essays by April
Jonathan Nashel -- More essays by Jonathan
Jeff Nixa -- More essays by Jeff
Ken Smith -- More essays by Ken
Jeanette Saddler Taylor -- More essays by Jeanette
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About the series
Michiana Chronicles is a series of radio essays by Jonathan Nashel, Louise Collins, Joe Chaney, Jeanette Saddler Taylor, Jeff Nixa, April Lidinsky, and Ken Smith.
Michiana is the region of north-central Indiana and southern Michigan roughly centered on South Bend, Indiana.
Michiana Chronicles airs on Fridays at 7:35 a.m. and 12:30 p.m. on WVPE (88.1 FM), the home of public radio in Elkhart / South Bend, Indiana.
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